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[alicephilippa]

Curled up in bed this morning, I was podnering (podnering? erm, pondering). Out of this "navel gazing" came a number of things some of which are:

1. The sooner everyone at work knows the better. I can't carry on the way things are, it is just becoming far too difficult. I know that a date has been agreed on with Susan (Dec 1^st, which is not that far off, but it seems ATM almost like a lifetime away.
2. I really was comfortable last night. It was admittedly amongst those who I consider to be friends, but I was just Alice last night, Alan had been completely banished. Even though it was with friends I had made an effort in choosing clothes etc., and everything just felt right. I just hope that I can recapture that feeling again in the future.
3. Mother must be told. If I don't do this I feel that I am living a lie in some respects, and that I cannot really move on until this is done. Also I'd rather tell her up front rather than her finding out accidentally, as the longer I wait the more likely it is that it will all come out in he wrong way. The big problem is, of course how to tell her. (Yes I know this is a bit of an obsession, but...)
4. I'm having to deal with feelings and emotions I've never really dealt with before, such as feelings of sexual attraction towards others. Essentially some of the things virtually everyone else learns to deal with at a much younger age.

There was lots more, but I don't think that I'll go into them, and indeed, I think I've put much of the above badly anyway.

Another thing that is becoming more of an irritation (? nuisance? not really sure how to put this TBH), is, well, the boy bits... I'll leave the gentle reader to fill in the rest...

However badly I'm putting this, I think it all boils down to an inner feeling that this is all taking too long. In some ways I suppose, I just wish it was possible to wave a magic wand and for everything to be done and dusted. I know in my heart where I want to be and I'm getting impatient because I don't seem to be getting there. It doesn't help that I know that the appropriate standards of care are going to have to be complied with, and it all takes time, but it doesn't make it easier.

Alice.